


tired of falling

by PictureMeBroken



Category: EXO (Band), SHINee, f(x)
Genre: Character Death, F/F, F/M, Rape, Suicide, this is really just a lot of sad shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-20
Updated: 2020-10-20
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:28:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27115390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PictureMeBroken/pseuds/PictureMeBroken
Summary: Jinri falls and breaks easily, but Sulli, Sulli is stronger than that.At least......she hopes she is....a never ending cycle of falling and breaking and putting the pieces back together as best I can...
Relationships: Choi Jinri | Sulli/Amber Liu, Choi Jinri | Sulli/Jung Soojung | Krystal, Choi Jinri | Sulli/Kim Jongin | Kai, Choi Jinri | Sulli/Lee Taemin, Choi Jinri | Sulli/Oh Sehun





	tired of falling

**Author's Note:**

> AFF repost
> 
> Most of this is written in the most awkward way with bad tenses and grammar and a lot of repetition and it's supposed to be like that. The entire beginning is Sulli telling a story and it's supposed to be written in the way it would be told. I tried my best and this is what happened with it. 

_The first time I fell in love, it was with a boy named Sehun. I was fourteen and had just started my freshman year of high school. Back then my parents were fighting a lot and my only escape was the park half a block from our apartment complex. It seems like so long ago now, but I can still remember that night clearly._

_It was mid-December and my parents had been fighting again, but that night was the worst fight I’d ever witnessed between them. See, my parents had never once laid a finger on each other no matter how hard they had fought. But something that day had set my mother off to the point that she had actually thrown a punch at him. I was watching from the hallway and the second her fist hit him I was out the door; I didn’t even stop to get my coat._

_I can still feel the tears freezing to my cheeks as I ran straight for the park, not hesitating for a moment until I was ankle deep in the snow surrounding the swing-set. I can’t tell you how long I spent out there swinging and thinking about what it would be like if I just didn’t go home, but my feet and fingers had already gone numb when he showed up._

_I shouldn’t have been so surprised to see him, honestly – he had lived in the apartment across the hall from mine for as long as we had lived there and I had often seen him walking around the neighborhood with his friends – but when he first spoke it scared me so bad I jumped out of the swing and ended up falling face-first into the snow. I didn’t even have time to pick myself up before Sehun had wrapped his arms around me and pulled me out of the snow. At the time I had been too depressed and cold to care about how nice he was being and pushed him away._

_Thinking back on it, maybe if I had just kept being a bitch to him and hadn’t been fooled by his innocent smile, I wouldn’t have gotten my heart broken, but I was young and stupid and I fell for him in a heartbeat._

_And just as easily as I fell for him, he fell for **someone else**._

_Her name was Jung Soojung, but since she first moved her she’s been telling everyone to call her Krystal. There were rumors all over that she was from America but if you asked she would always dodge the question, so to this day no one really knows where she came from._

_Anyway, that’s not important; what is important is that she has hated me from the first time she set eyes on me. I honestly have no idea why Krystal hates me, but she does. And her utter disdain for me is what caused her month long flirtationship with Sehun._

_A month long flirtationship that ended with Sehun breaking up with me and asking her to be his girlfriend. It doesn’t sound that bad and I’m sure that anyone reading this would think that I’m a whiny bitch for letting it get to me, but it’s not the fact that he left me for her that broke my heart. What broke my heart was that he didn’t believe a word I said about her no matter how true it was._

_He found out how true it was when a week later she was breaking up with him in front of our entire class after taking his virginity._

_Sehun wouldn’t even speak to me after Krystal broke up with him. The one time he spoke more than three words to me after they broke up he told me that I was a terrible person for making Krystal break up with him and that if I had ever really cared for him I would have wanted him to be happy with her. I couldn’t even say a word in my defense because I was so confused and dumbfounded. I couldn’t understand what it was about her that made him think she was so perfect and that I was the liar; me, the girl who’d been his neighbor since elementary school and dated him for four months._

_I tried to commit suicide that night. It was stupid and rash and it scared the hell out of my parents when they found me in the park half-dead, but I don’t regret it nearly as much as I should. My parents were so scared for me that it actually kept them together for almost a year after that._

_When they finally did split it was September of the next year and I had just met Kim Jongin. Jongin, who still goes by Kai instead of his real name, was one of the most attractive boys in our class so I was more than a little skeptical of his reasons for approaching me._

_Not skeptical apparently._

_We started dating late-October. Being with Jongin was like a dream come true, honestly. Sehun had been my first boyfriend and we’d both been young and awkward and stuck in that sill, wonderful state of puppy love, but Jongin was mature and treated me like a lady. We went out after school and he’d buy me cute things and tell me how gorgeous I was and I was such a gullible **idiot** then._

_I had honestly thought that Jongin and I would be together forever when we first started dating. But forever came in the form of seven months of bliss and then the crashing realization that he’d just been playing with me to get to Krystal._

_The sad thing is, I would have stayed with him for longer had his best friend Kyungsoo not told me the truth about him; I would have kept believing all of his pretty little lies and eating his bullshit up like it was candy._

_But maybe that would have been better for me in the end._

_You see, I made the mistake of breaking up with Jongin and then going to a party a week later when I knew that he’d be there. I only went because Sunyoung had begged me all day to go with her, but I knew that I shouldn’t have. Within twenty minutes Sunyoung had disappeared with her boyfriend Jinki and left me alone to try and get home._

_It wouldn’t have been that bad if I had managed to make it to the subway station, but half-way there Jongin pulled up beside me and asked if I needed a ride. I had declined at first, I wasn’t that stupid, but Jongin was persistent and kept telling me that there were no hard feelings and that he was sorry for lying to me and I caved._

_I’m pretty sure I gave my father a heart attack when I fell into our apartment with my clothes ripped, makeup smudged, and blood coating my thighs._

_I didn’t tell him who did it, I swore it was too dark to see his face, but I’m sure he didn’t believe me. I was home-schooled for the last two months of school and I was barely allowed to leave our apartment, but I didn’t mind it. I was hurt, mentally and physically, and I knew that I wouldn’t be able to face Jongin in school every day._

_Sunyoung visited me a few times and even brought Jinki and his brother to see me sometimes._

_Jinki’s brother was everything I had thought Kai was. His name was Taemin and he was sweet and gentlemanly and he treated me like I was delicate and breakable and needed to be taken care of and after what happened with Jongin that was **exactly** what I needed._

_Taemin and I had an innocent love, one that we showed with soft caresses and gentle kisses instead of materials and words. He made my heart flutter and had butterflies swarming in my stomach and he accepted me._

_Taemin was the reason that I went back to school when the new semester started. Holding his hand was the only thing that gave me the strength to walk those halls on that first day and he was there every day after that to make sure that I wouldn’t be hurt again no matter what. With him by my side, I could even face Jongin and manage to hold my head up high._

_But like all good things, my relationship with Taemin came to an end when he disappeared without a trace. No phone call, no text, nothing. He was just gone one day and I was so scared that something had happened to him that I had actually skipped my last class to go to his apartment and find out what had happened to him._

_I can still remember Krystal calling my name right before I got to the gates. She sounded almost desperate, like she **needed** me to listen to whatever she had to say, but I didn’t care then. I didn’t even spare her a glance as I passed through the gates at a run. Thinking about it makes me wonder what she had to say to me that day, but I’ll never know now._

_I probably should have felt stupid, sprinting half-way across town just because my boyfriend had missed school, but I didn’t. I knew Taemin and Taemin would have let me know and the fact that he didn’t terrified me._

_I made it to his apartment disheveled and winded and pounding on the door like a mad-woman. Jinki answered, looking worn and sad._

_I laughed when he told me Taemin didn’t want to see me. I laughed because I thought that Taemin was just being silly and playing a joke on me and I was so **wrong**. Taemin really didn’t want to see me. He didn’t want to see me, talk to me, walk to school with me, **be** with me; he just didn’t want me anymore, he said._

_I’m sure his neighbors could hear my heart shatter._

_I managed not to cry in front of him. I still don’t know how, but I managed to keep it together until I was out of the building._

_I met a stranger at the park shortly after that and I told her about everything that had happened. She said something to me that night. She said, "You can't make the same mistake twice; after the first time it's not a mistake, it's a choice. And giving someone the power to break you is one of the worst choices you can make in life."_

_I never asked what it was that made her say that, but I agreed with it whole-heartedly. That's why I chose not to fall in love again. I chose to build up walls around my heart and not let anyone else near it._

_When winter break ended and I went back to school, I had completely changed who I was in the eyes of my peers. Gone were the dark curls that used to hang past my waist, gone was the sweet smile that I'd show no matter how I was really feeling, and gone was **Jinri**_. _Jinri was weak and let herself be walked all over. Jinri cried over sad movies and mourned the loss of something that wasn't hers in the first place and I was tired of being her._

_That's when I started calling myself Sulli. Sulli was the name of the red-head with a permanent scowl that growled and snarled at ay boy who came near her. Sulli knew what love could do and she wouldn't let it get her. Sulli kept me safe._

_Until my senior year. That was the year **she** moved to my school. Everything about her screamed North America from her name, to the way she wore her blonde hair cropped up to her chin, to the boy's uniform she was sporting._

_At first, she was nothing more to me than an exchange student that sat next to me in class, but the longer she sat next to me, the more we talked and the more my walls crumbled. Before long we were skipping class to go sit on the roof and talk about how fucked up we were each day. She told me about her family and how everything had fallen apart when her father died. She told me about being bullied in school because she wasn't girly and pretty and liked playing sports and rapping more than dolls and ballet. She told me about her ex and everything that he had put her through and finally she told me about all the times she had contemplated killing herself._

_I was shocked by how open she was about it. In a little over an hour she had laid everything out for me and didn't seem scared at all about me using that against her and I was scared again because I could feel my heart racing and my stomach fluttering and I had never felt that way for a woman before._

_Before I could stop myself I had told her everything. I told her about Sehun and Krystal ad Taemin and we talked about my parents divorce and finally I confessed to her something I hadn't even told Sunyoung: I told her about the night Jongin raped me._

_She held me while I cried and sang to me softly until I had calmed down. The next day when Jongin walked by us at lunch she tripped him and wrapped her arm around my shoulder while she laughed and said maybe if he kept his pants up he wouldn't be tripping all over the place. I should have been embarrased and immediately ran away, but something about her doing that, even if I thought it was crude, made my heart swell and made me feel genuinely loved._

_We never called each other our girlfriend or said that we were dating, but the way her lips moved against mine at night when we'd sneak out and meet somewhere told me that we weren't just friends anymore. We were more and I wasn't scared of that anymore._

_She never told me she was sick and before I knew it she was gone._

_The worst part? They wouldn't even let me in her funeral. It was for family and close friends only and no matter how much I tried to beg them to let me in, I was turned away and told I was a terrible person for trying to interrupt her services._

_That was this morning. This morning I couldn't even say goodbye to the woman I loved more than anyone else I had ever met._

_I don't know why I decided to write this. People are supposed to leave notes, not small novels, but I just wanted to get it out._

_I know this isn't what she would have wanted me to do, but I don't want to go on without her._

_The first time I fell, it was my ninth grade year and I was fourteen. The last time I fall, it's my twelfth grade year and I'm eighteen._

_I'm sorry, Amber. I love you._

_-Jinri._

Hot tears splash against the sheet of paper, blurring lines and the words written on them; Jinri's last words. It's been a month since Choi Jinri jumped from the roof of her school building and left behind countless people mourning her loss. 

Sehun mourns the loss of someone he should have trusted. Kai mourns the loss of a girl he should have apologized to. Taemin mourns the loss of the one he should have kept close. 

But Krystal...

Krystal mourns the loss of the one she loved but never told.


End file.
